New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
