Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
