Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
