The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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