I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Randomize
