I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
