last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Randomize
