If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Randomize
