How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize