He disabled his match.com account in front of me
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
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