Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
it hurts more in the daytime
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
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