Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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