so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Randomize
