i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Randomize
