tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
