I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
