When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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