Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
