I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
The dick lei will go down in squad history
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
