if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Randomize
