Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Randomize
