I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
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