well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
You smell like a Billy Joel song
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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