I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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