I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
