lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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