Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
