when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Randomize
