In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
Too much dab too little lung dying 😵😵😵
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Randomize
