I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
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