you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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