This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Randomize
