I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
you win again, gameday.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
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