Who wears a wallet chain?!
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Randomize