My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Randomize
