I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
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