Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
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