he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
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