community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Randomize
