I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
