Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
we're making bets on your personal life
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
