I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
