I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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