i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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