i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
