i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
