I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
Randomize
