Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
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