last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
