Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
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