I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
