Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Randomize
