I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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