I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Randomize
