I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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