Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
