So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
