I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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