I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
