You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
So. Much. Porn.
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