You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
omg he said he wants to insert his penis into my vagnia what do i say
tell him to stop quoting family guy
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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