Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
Randomize
