Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
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